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The Lad (in 10 miniature scenes)

THIS PIECE IS A COMPLEMENT TO BECKETT’S PLAY ‘KRAPPS LAST TAPE’ IN SO FAR AS IT FEATURES A BANANA. 

IT CAN BE PERFORMED LIVE ANYWHERE IN WHICH CASE ALL THE PROP CHANGES AND BUSINESS BETWEEN THE TEN MINIATURES COULD, PROBABLY WOULD, BE SEEN BY THE AUDIENCE AND TREATED LIKE PART OF THE PERFORMANCE. 

THE SCENE IS ANYWHERE. THE TIME IS TODAY 

…BUT ANYWHERE HAS BEEN ADAPTED FOR AN OLD MAN WHO IS SAT IN AN ARMCHAIR LISTENING TO AN OLD RADIO WEARING A BIB. NEXT TO HIS CHAIR, ON ONE SIDE IS AN OCCASIONAL TABLE WITH A FRUIT BOWL CONTAINING LOTS OF BANANAS AND THE RADIO. NEXT TO THAT IS A WASTE BIN. ALSO IN THE SCENE IS A YOUNG MAN PLAYING A CLASSICAL GUITAR SOMETIMES FOLLOWING THE OLD MANS ACTIONS PRECISELY, SOMETIMES NOT. (MAYBE HE IS THE OLD MAN’S YOUNGER SELF OR MAYBE JUST AN ENTERTAINER.) ON THE MAN’S KNEE IS ‘THE LAD’ A VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY IN A PURPLE SHINY SHOW SUIT. THEY APPEAR TO BE LISTENING TO THE RADIO TOGETHER BUT IT BECOMES APPARENT FROM THE UNATURAL WAY THEY INTERACT DURING THE PERFORMANCE THAT THE OLD MAN IS NOT A SKILLED VENTRILOQUIST. FROM TIME TO TIME THE LAD WILL SING ALONG TO THE RADIO (SEE LYRICS ON PAGE 3). ALL THE ACTION IS VERY VERY SLOW AS BEFITS THE OLD MAN AND MUCH IS FOCUSED ON HIS FREE HAND NOT THE LAD. THE MAN IS AS SKILLED WITH HIS FREE HAND AS HE IS UNSKILLED WITH THE LAD, SUCH THAT IT SEEMS TO SPEAK AND AT TIMES PARALLELS THE MUSIC AS IF IT WERE SINGING ALONG TOO. THE NAILS ON HIS FREE HAND ARE LONG LIKE THOSE OF A GUIARIST.  
 
(INEVITABLY MISTAKES OCCUR DUE TO THE INTRICACY OF THE ACTIVITIES THE MAN IS REQUIRED TO PERFORM. THESE ARE AS IMPORTANT AS THE SUCCESSFUL ACTS OF MANUAL DEXTERITY AND SHOULD NEITHER BE EDITED OUT NOT ‘STAGED.’)  
 
THE CORE RADIO SOUND IS POOR QUALITY AND CONSIST OF SAMPLES DERIVED FROM 1970‘S POP AND POP/CLASSICAL MUSIC HOWEVER THESE CAN BE TRANSFORMED APPROPRIATELY AND DISTRIBUTED THROUGH A HIGH QUALITY SOUND SYSTEM OR OPTIMISED IN POST PRODUCTION. THE RADIO MUSIC MAY FLOW ACROSS SCENES OR BE INTERUPTED. THERE SHOULD NOT BE A SENSE THAT EACH MINATURE HAS A RADIO THEME. THE GUITAR MUSIC IS SYNCHRONISED WITH THE RADIO SOUND AND MAY BLEND WITH IT AT TIMES. IT HAS A TRANQUILITY THAT ESTABLISHES THE SLOW REPETITIVE GENTLE RHYTHM OF THE PIECE.THE MEANING OF THE WORDS DOESN’T MATTER THEY COULD BE ANY OLD MANS SEMI LUCID ’KRAPP’ BUT THE WORDS SELECTED FOR THE SCRIPT MUST BE ADHERED TO PRECISELY AS IF DELIVERED BY A MACHINE WITH NO OPPORTUNITIES FOR IMPROVISATION. THE ‘DRAMA’ IF ANY IS IN THE MUSIC, SILENCES AND THE NON-SPEECH VOCALISATIONS. ALL PAUSES APPLY TO ALL THE SOUND SOURCES SO THAT THE FLOW IS CONTINUALLY INTERUPTED. THE LAD HAS A CHILD’S VOICE (FALSETTO) MOST OF THE TIME, AS IS TRADITIONAL. 

Page Break 

SUGGESTED RADIO MUSIC – IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER 

Only fragments may be used or more extended samples – the extracts may be significantly modified and processed to be barely recognisable. 

RADIO MUSIC: ROGER WHITTAKER https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzKQfrNseoI  
 

RADIO MUSIC: I’D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWKznrEjJK4  
 

RADIO MUSIC: SATIE 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WfaotSK3mI  

RADIO MUSIC: RODRIGO 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knZyzhMNeP0 
  

RADIO MUSIC: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQUu5Dti4g  
 

RADIO MUSIC: ANNIES SONG 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNOTF-znQyw  

RADIO MUSIC: WHERE DID YOU GO TO MY LOVELY 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8XQZYIiNgo  

RADIO MUSIC: STARRY STARRY NIGHT 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wrNFDxCRzU  

RADIO MUSIC: CAT STEVENS 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGNxKnLmOH4&list=PL262337A5F58BD941  
 
RADIO MUSIC: CAVATINA 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7SvBtJuh3Y  

Page Break 

The following lyrics can be sung by the Lad whenever appropriate. They may or may not marry to the original songs from which they are derived 

Your head is humming and it won’t go, in case you don’t know 
The piper’s calling you to join him 
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know 
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind? 

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you 
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms 
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you 
Come let me love you, come love me again 

Like the strangers that you’ve met 
The ragged men in ragged clothes 
The silver thorn of bloody rose 
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow 

I know where you go to, my lovely 
When you’re alone in your bed 
I know the thoughts that surround you 
‘Cause I can look inside your head 

That’s a song I hear 
Sing it along 
Let the world sing today 
Over and over 

Page Break 

MINIATURE 1 

The man is eating a banana sandwich. (He rests between each bite) 

(Pause) 

THE MAN 

Want some? 

THE LAD 

Only if you take off the crusts. 

(Pause) 

The man takes off the crusts with one hand and his fingernails showing significant virtuosity that is reflected in the music. He feeds the lad clumsily. Bits fall out of the dummies mouth. 

THE LAD 

(Choking a little) 

Watch it, you’re wasting it! 

MINIATURE 2 

The Man is holding a banana. He peals it methodically and very very slowly using only one hand. It’s another virtuoso performance.  
 
The Lad watches him apprehensively at first and then tries whistling to calm his nerves. The music accompanied by the guitar sounds a bit like Roger Whittaker 

THE MAN 

Want some? 

THE LAD 

You first. 

(gulp) 

MINIATURE 3 

The Man is pretending to be asleep. The Lad is ‘awake.’ The guitarist plays. The Lad ‘dances’ and sings along with the music. 
 

(Counting to the music) 

(Breaths) 

MINIATURE 4 

The Man holds the banana as he did at the end of Miniature 2. It’s as though the recording has slipped backwards 

THE MAN 

Want some? 

(Very long pause) 

THE LAD 

No you are all right! 

The man eats the banana in small bites as he does so the lad tries to speak and some words are audible between mouthfuls but the rest of the time the words are completely garbled. The words that are heard are – 

THE LAD 

…conscious of something 

…but the Dartford Crossing was jam packed 

…true friendship can 

…a bungalow 

…your carriage it’s waiting 

…fried not baked 

…pull up, knock up, rock up, wake up 
 

…feeling like shit 

…nobody makes a better flapjack. 

MINIATURE 5 

The man holds the banana skin. It hangs limply. 

THE LAD 

Want some? 

THE MAN 

Maybe later. You? 

THE LAD 

(Pause) 
 

It’s empty. 

THE MAN 

Good though. 

MINIATURE 6 

The man holds up a bunch of five bananas 

THE LAD 

Now that’s more like it. 

THE MAN 

It’s a feast! 

(Slurp) 

THE LAD 

Enough for everyone. 

THE MAN 

A bunch… 

THE LAD 

…a bunch of five 

The man pulls his hand out of the dummy and shows his fist to the radio. The Lad now unsupported collapses with laughter. 

(Laughter) 

MINIATURE 7 

The man is controlling the Lad again. He holds up his other fist. 

THE MAN 

Nobody does it better 

THE LAD 

You can say that again. 

THE MAN 

(Like a nursery rhyme) 

Five bananas will make Wilma fat. We don’t want that.  

(repeat ad infinitum) 

THE LAD 

Who is Wilma? 

THE MAN 

(Pretending to mishear) 

Who is Sylvia?  

Mad cows! 

THE LAD 

(In the mans voice – for real like an aside) 

Sylvia is here now. We all are, the whole street. No 9 us, No 11 Wilma, No 12 Sylvia. Nobody does it better. She does it, everyday, like clockwork. Up the stairs the window, her tower, waiting all day, nothing doing, nobody, poor cow. Why should they. 
 

(In the Lads voice) 
 
Nobody does it better. The flapjacks. Now that’s something to write home about. 

MINIATURE 8 

The lad lies spread over the Mans lap enabling to him to prop a bowl of bananas and custard on his back. (It may look sexual who cares but it’s not the intention.) 

THE MAN 

Bananas, custard… 

He reaches behind his bib and pulls out a paper bag with the remainder of a piece of flapjack in it. 

THE MAN 

And flapjack. 

He breaks the flapjack into the bowl and eats the contents. 

MINIATURE 9 

The man holds the empty bowl and presents it to the front so we can see the contents. Its inside is painted like the moon. 

THE LAD 

A bungalow would be ideal then she couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t climb the stairs.  

(Crying in a cod way) 

THE MAN 

Her head is in the shed. 

(Laugh.) 

THE LAD 

Her head is in the shed. 

(Laugh.) 

THE MAN 

Shall we dance fa la la. 

(Breaths and breathless) 

(Giggling) 

MINIATURE 10 

THE MAN 

Easy go. 

(Sighs) 

THE LAD 

Easy come. 

The man produces another banana. The Lad stares at it. 

THE LAD 

(Sighs) 

The Man freezes for as long as he can holding the banana aloft while the guitar music plays. Once he can no longer keep the banana still, the performance/film is over. 

THE END 

All the Tuffins up to starting school

Tuffin 1

The two Corgi dogs are named April and May. Dad doesn’t enquire why, nor does he note the coincidence, but he dutifully takes them to the woods and attempts to persuade them to do their number twos. Despite the encouragement, the dogs indicate by acts of canine prostration, that they would prefer to stay in the warmth of the back seat of the Austin A40 parked outside Number 9 The Rise. The Austin and the Corgis belong to the midwife concurrently encouraging June (my Mother) to push me out of her womb into the front bedroom of number nine The Rise, the 6th detached house looking up the road from the station, on the left-hand side of the road.

I note the coincidence, the processional nature of the dogs names leading to my mother’s name as the first of many pleasing patterns, puzzles and serendipitous occurrences that give rise to my arrival in England on January 16th 1957 at 4:37 pm covered in my own and my mothers number twos and provide my first dataset (see below) for a lifetime obsession with recording such happy accidents.

As I arrive, and to  the midwifes and my mother’s surprise, the excessive faecal lubrication causes me to slip through a space time worm hole (that has formed in the front bedroom of Number 9 The Rise, while dad is out dog walking and thus unable to prevent it –  thus i find myself circumventing mother’s breast, Terry nappies, Farley’s rusks, the horror of polio vaccinations, rides into the village on the back of my mothers bicycle in a rusty baby seat that rasps my thigh red and all the ensuing and inconsequent crying, fully prepped as a four year old in short plaid trousers with matching shirt [a two piece),  knee length tan socks, lace up brown shoes, a hand knit cardigan courtesy of Auntie Barbara and sporting a silk tie that will in various manifestations will remain around my neck until a trip to Italy one August many years years later persuades me, as a result of the inordinate heat, to take it off. It is July 1961 and I emerge from the worm hole with my own Corgi dog called March and I am called Tuffin.

DogsMother – mine
March – mineJune
April – midwifes
May – midwifes
January 16th 1957 -> July 16th 1961Days lost in worm hole 1643
Hours lost in worm hole 39,432 
Minutes lost in worm hole 2,365,920

Table 1

Tuffin 2

Like a bath that never empties the worm hole stays open and drains its contents into the back garden of number nine. Dad is angry as it leaves a wet stain down the wall  and a permanent puddle that threatens to undermine the foundations of the house. So he says!  I believe this to be a moan, not a proper problem. Moans are common in comfortable families they substitute for proper problems when there aren’t enough of those to go round.

At age four dogs are my favourite thing and I love them and think about them all the time. When I grow up I want to work in a zoo for dogs.

Also

Dogs are great – Corgis are the greatest – Corgi cars make me think of driving one day and that makes me feel big.

March our Corgi dog presents a problem not a moan. Unlike April and May (we still see them from time to time around the village – I think March may be a cousin but I am not sure) he is predisposed to activity and is in a permanent state of emergency as if he had a siren and blue lights. In an emergency he killed a Pekingese dog that belonged to Number Fifteen – broke its back. Nobody in the Rise liked the Peke except Number Fifteen of course (they must have, as they had two the same (everyone in The Rise seems to like to keep pairs of dogs – perhaps it’s about symmetry or an offer or good luck)) they made a sound like a pig not a dog so people hated them. Dogs should sound like dogs in the same way as people should talk not bark. Anyway even though March only killed one of them, Number Fifteen complained to the police and so March went on holiday to a kennel. He never came back so I guess he must have liked it. That was the last dog we ever had. I expected another one to come through the worm hole but the worm hole never does things if you expect them. I find you need a real thing to sustain an interest, just imagining doesn’t work, so without a real dog, on my fifth birthday I decided I liked stones better. After all I had lots of those – oh and cats but more about that much later.

When I grow up I want to drive a car and look after pumas.

Tuffin 3

My stones are kept in my room under the bed. It’s the room I was born in – the one with the worm hole. Nobody knows they are there except me and Jill. Jill lives next door and has a guinea pig and her dad has a gun that he uses to shoot rats that bother the guinea pig even though the guinea pig is really a fat rat. Perhaps that why the rats bother the guinea pig, to get back at her for being fat. They also have a pond so that’s where we get the stones. Someone has pretended the pond is a beach by putting stones like the ones at the seaside all around it. We take them when nobody is looking specially her dad, we don’t want to get shot like the rats. We take them up to my bedroom crawl under the bed and pretend we are in the bank, counting the stones, saving them for later, writing a list of them in order of specialness. The best ones are smooth and flat just like coins. Jill says her brother knows how to skim coins like that so that they skip across the water. I wonder if I will ever be able to do that when I grow up.

When I grow up I want to go to the seaside and skim coins and be rich. I want to marry Jill and sleep with her so we can share our dreams and talk about them the next day.

Here is my list of the top 10 stones – they are all boy stones – no copper values

NameValue
David£1
James15/-
Peter12/- 6d
Robin10/-
Clive7/- 6d
Keith5/-
Steven2/- 6d
Simon2/-
John1/-
Randy6d

Tuffin 4

Dad gives me his old pipe. Jill and I move to a hole we dig next to the compost.

We cover the top of the hole with an old table top and some sacks. Inside it’s dark and cosy. We make a carpet of grass cuttings on the floor and dig a second small sideways hole as a cupboard where we keep Dads pipe. “Our hole is our home now” I say.  I take the pipe and place it between my teeth and blow. “See” I say. Jill laughs and presses another layer of grass clippings onto the floor. “It’s really soft” she says. “Feel.”  I push my fingers into the grass and blow on the pipe. “The hole smells of Dad.” We laugh and push each other and make rude dad noises and smells. Then Jill makes cups of tea and keeps things tidy while I smoke my pipe and keep guard. We try lying down. The hole is just wide enough that we can lie head to toe our faces pressed into the wall of mud on either side –  as we do so the rain falls. We pretend to sleep until the hole begins to fill with rain. We don’t dream. Then Jill has to go home to have tea and mum gives me a bath. When I get out of the bath I leave a lot of wet grass and mud behind. “Look the hole has come inside” I say to mum as it drains and drains.

When I grow up I want to dig a hole to Australia.

Tuffin 5

Now I have three holes and lots and lots of stones. My three holes are –

The worm hole in my room that means I don’t ever have to be a child

The hole next to the compost where I can smoke my pipe like dad and sleep with Jill

The bath that is really another compost hole but indoors and drains and drains.

You know about my stones.

This was enough things for me to start my research at the library.

The library was a lorry. At first this confused me as the normal lorries carried bread and coal not books. This one has a door in the side and steps and a rubber stamp and a librarian called Linda that my mum knows from Bexley where my Nan is in hospital for trying to cook her head in the oven. Linda doesn’t mention this but she does say that the book my mum wants is in, so my mum is pleased and doesn’t have to pay. I ask for books on worm holes and stones but Linda suggests ‘Bom the Little Drummer’ so I take that instead. It’s a good book because Boms’ drum rolls down the hill and that gives me an idea for an invention so instead of holes and stones I ask if l can have a book on inventions. Linda says she will bring one in a fortnight when I return Bom. That’s the trouble with libraries you have to give the books back. The best thing about a book is keeping it. That’s more important than reading it. I keep my books on my shelves in order of how may times they have been opened. The unopened ones are the best but I only have one – ‘The Observers book of Freshwater Fish’ – Auntie Margaret got it for me so I could look up ‘minnow’ but after she gave it me she also tried to cook her head in the oven so Dad said best to leave it shut.

When I grow up I want to be an inventor and invent something round like a stone or a hole or a wheel – something that goes somewhere.

Tuffin 6

Now that I only make inventions I only have time for one hole so I shut the worm hole, fill in the compost hole and that just leaves the bath. I think Dad would be cross if I did something with that as the bathroom would be empty and we would all be dirty. Jill is still nice so I didn’t need to take her off my list of people but Andrew is new so he has moved to the top.

My bike has two cross bars but they are thin. This isn’t a mistake it’s modern. It troubles me a bit because I expected one cross bar but as the bike cost dad £16 and Andrew’s cost his dad £14.00 its higher on the list. His has white tyres mine are black with white round the edge. We scramble with them so they get messy and end up the same colour . Jill can’t play because her bike doesn’t have a cross bar at all. She wee’d in the middle of the road when I told her. I looked but Andrew didn’t. She laughed at him but only as a joke. I think I like Jill best but there is a problem with her bike.

I have invented a cross bar for Jill. I found a stick in the wood near the station and cut it to the right length with my hacksaw. This is not the right saw but it’s the only one I am allowed. I want to use the electric one grandad made from an old washing machine but someone had left a bag of old taps on it and I can’t lift it off. I sellotaped the stick onto Jill’s bike and she is really pleased and promised not to wee in the road anymore. Andrew is pleased about that. Jill scrambles with us now all the time. She is quite fast because of the cross bar. When she wins Andrew sings a song about the crossbar. “Crossbar star I love you.” It goes.  I can’t remember the rest but it’s good. I think Andrew might prefer Jill’s bike to his. He needs a hacksaw.

When I grow up I want to use the electric saw and give Andrew my Hacksaw.

Here is a list of our scramble races.

Round 1 Winners
Me
Me
Andrew
Jill
Me

Round 2 winners
Me
Jill
Jill
the rest of the races weren’t recorded as they were just for fun

Overall winner Tuffin (Me)

Tuffin 7

When I am not inventing I like to watch the pigeons on our roof. We get loads because Jill’s dad has built a pigeon house in the back garden next to the pond. So before they go to bed the pigeons  walk around the roof of our house. I suppose they are not tired yet.  I give them names and voices. If I am with Andrew or Jill I talk outloud but if I am on my own I talk inside my head as if I am inside a wireless. I wonder what would happen to the pigeons if I turned the worm hole back on and they accidentally flew inside. Where would they go. Would they fly off and meet that dead Pekingese. That would be bad because they make nice cooing noises and nobody would know they were there because of all the snorting from that dead dog.

I love wireless’s  even if they don’t work. As well as making saws from washing machines Grandad knew how to fix them. He gave me a bread tin full of radio parts. Some are glass, some are China and some are rubber a few are made of wax. I lit one like it was a candle using dads blow torch. It melted but didn’t burn much. The smell was bad so I mixed in some rose petals to cover it up. I thought I had invented a fire perfume maker. Andrew thought it smelt ok but would probably work better as an explosive so we hit it with a hammer but that did nothing so we threw it all away and went back to the pigeons but they had gone to bed.

When I grow up I want to be a perfumer.

Tuffin 8

Mum had dropped a milk bottle in the new fridge and it had split the plastic shelf. Now she is crying on the bed.

I want to invent something with the bag of taps. I have decided that they have been put there to stop me using the electric saw. I respect that because all tools are dangerous in the wrong hands. There are probably a hundred taps in the bag. Why would a house need a hundred taps? That’s fifty baths or sinks or twenty five of each type. That’s very clean people or clothes or washing up.

I note the connection with my remaining hole and write it down as a clue in my list.  It seems that someone has planned to makes lots of new baths to go with mine. I think about keeping this a secret as it might be important but the cat had my tongue so I let it out to Jill. She says her dad will know because he has some medals from the war. I tell her not to tell him yet because of his gun.

Brainwave!

That’s what I will make. A tap makes a perfect gun. That way if Jill’s dad were to want to kill us instead of the rats I could defend us. It’s a pity the rose perfumed wax didn’t explode as my book on guns (opened so many times the glue holding the pages has dropped out so it no longer a book just pages) tells me I need a propellant. There is no mention of rose petals or wax but there is mention of charcoal, saltpetre and sulphur in five/seven/five proportions to make gunpowder. The best charcoal is made from willow, it says, so I roast my cricket bat in the old bread bin using dads blow torch. It takes a long time and a lot of paraffin at at the end of it my head hurts and my eyes hurt a lot. Jill says that’s a good sign.

Tomorrow I will ask Dad to get me some some saltpetre and sulphur.

When I grow up I want to be a pyroman and to fix mum’s new fridge.

Tuffin 9

The shed was once grandads. He is dead with coughing all his life. I was a bit sad as he was an inventor like me but I was glad because we got all his tins as well as his shed. I don’t think grandad liked anything other than things and wrestling. I know that because he left one hundred and forty one tins called old Virginia with different things in them. Some of them have just one thing in like a door bolt or a chain but others have hundred of little things like staples or washers. Some things are sticky and some are dry and chalky. Although he has painted what they are on the side of the tin I had to ask dad what a grommet was and he said be careful. Grommets don’t look dangerous but I suppose you never know. Swallowing would be fine as they have a hole in them, you could still breath. I suppose you could put one on your willy because that how they make dogs stop being bad so it might work on boys. It didn’t work at all on March so you might end up going on holiday and never coming back.

I know about the wrestling because we watched it together on Saturday afternoons and it was the only time he didn’t cough because he was too busy shouting. Once he shouted so hard he kicked his bottle of beer across the carpet. After that the room always smelt nice but grandma said it made her sick and that grandad made her sick and that she would sit in the kitchen, but she stayed in the sitting room and watched the wrestling with us which was nice because she let me lean across her lap like a dog.

I miss my dog. I wish he wasn’t dead.

When I grow up I will bring my March back to life and my Grandad but not my Grandma. I may have to turn on the worm hole again.

Tuffin 10

Dad took me to Boots to get the saltpetre and the sulphur. Saltpetre is potassium nitrate and white. Sulphur is called flowers of sulphur and is yellow. I also bought some sulphur sweets in all sorts of colours. I ate them in our car on the way home.

Gunpowder is easy to make as long as you are patient and sensible. The recipe is to grind the three ingredients up using a pestle and mortar. I had one as part of a chemistry set I had never opened as it was obviously a toy rather than real chemistry. It had a picture of a boy on the box. He wasn’t wearing a tie so it was likely he was just playing not working. That’s no good at all! “Things worth doing are doing work.” Play is for babies and children. The boy looks a lot like Andrew so I took a note to talk about it later with Jill before we opened it up to Andrew. I think Jill might like the picture but she can’t have the chemistry set as it has one or two ingredients labeled poison – another present from Auntie Margaret.

Another surprise is that Gunpowder does not explode easily. Hitting it with a hammer is as ineffective as hitting waxy radio bits and rose petals. All those shows where people throw barrels of gunpowder down mountains and they blow up and cause an avalanche must use special gunpowder because I only managed to throw up a coating of grey dust across the bench that got muddled up with the dust left by dead grandad or the sawdust left by my dad when he made a seed frame.

Now I need a number two very very badly. Mum says it was the sulphur sweets, but I can’t see the connection. No time for a list.

Tuffin 11

Swimming is good for my body says my mother.

I am more interested in the black pool.

We ride our bikes to see the pool. The water is black because the pool has been left inside the house for years and no one can get in. To see it we have to look through the windows and they are covered in moss from inside so there are only a few places left you can see in. One day you won’t be able to see in at all, so we make hay while it’s still possible. We all agree it’s brilliant, better even than the stagnant pond further back down the lane where if you throw in a stone in it throws up a slimy green tail, opens a black hole then closes it down again and disappears. The black pool still has chairs around it like people will come and put their watches and clothes on and that makes it feel more like they may be in the water it’s just we can’t see them because the moss is in the way. If people are in the water they must surely be in another worm hole because we can’t hear them and the water is very still. I wonder if this is the source of my worm hole.

Jill and Andrew want to go but I could stay all day. They prefer swimming. I might have to move them down my list and find someone who just likes looking to move to the top.

When I grow up I want to just look as well as invent.

Tuffin 12

I have found someone who just likes looking.

It was easy. I told Andrew that I didn’t like swimming but I did like looking at the pool, he said he would do the same. So he’s on the top of my list still. I am not sure about Jill, because of her dad she may have to stick with swimming but we all agree that looking is best anyway.

We stand facing each other without laughing. Jill is very white. Something to do with her blood her mum says. Andrew is very red like my Mothers hair. Jill says I am quite brown but that’s only because she is so white. We start to describe each other the way you are meant to in a story but that is boring so we give it up. The best kind of looking is secret looking so we go down to the woods to climb a tree and spy on people.

For ages no one comes so we just tear leaves of the tree and drop them down to see which one is first. Eventually Brian comes. We all know him well because he likes to stand in the woods a lot and show his willy to the girls. Jill has been told to run home if she sees him but with both of us to protect her so she doesn’t bother. As Brian doesn’t see Jill because she’s up  a tree we don’t see his willy which is a shame because it would be a good looking thing. We decide it’s best not to let Jill’s mum know we saw Brian because of her dad.

As we walk home for tea we see a giant pink crab in someone’s dustbin.

I have made a list of the best lookings I have had so far.

The back swimming pool

The crab

I can’t decide which of these two should be number one.

The pigeon with the broken leg

Jill’s white arm

My bike when I have washed it

Andrews birth mark

Marchs’ old lead that dad uses to keep the gate shut

An unopened book

A gun

Jill wee’ing in the middle of the road

My sisters confirmation veil

Instant whip.

When I grow up I want to be confirmed and wear a veil.

Tuffin 13

Jill’s Dad is called Sid. I like this name because it’s the shortest one I know – so easy to write on a list.

Sid’s job is to cut the grass and to clean the car. He is the first person in our road to have a green car. Mother says that is because he is some kind of artist and that artists like bright colours and she shows me some impression paintings done by Frenchmen. The pictures in the book are in black and white so I don’t really see the point but I don’t tell her because this is her most important hobby after cooking and cleaning. Sid is very quiet even when he is mowing or washing he never talks to anyone loudly. When I play at Jill’s he is usually inside in the dining room with his gun poking out the window waiting for the rats. I suppose this is why he is always so quiet. Jill says it’s something to do with the war but the war was over a longtime ago and I don’t think it had artists in it.

When I grow up I want a medal and a green car.

Tuffin 14

Andrew’s house is different from ours on the outside but in the inside it’s the same but without the worm hole.

It smells different to our house and the stairs have carpet all the way across and you can’t slide in your socks on the wooden floor in the hall because it’s covered in the same carpet. The carpet means that it’s more fun to jump down the stairs because it looks like soft sand and we can pretend it’s the desert when we jump. I can jump from six steps up because my legs are really strong from climbing the washing pole in the garden. Andrew manages only five steps because he is a lot fatter than me and his legs get very red and his face gets wet. I want to hit him a bit when he looks like that. Once a teacher said that my legs were too thin and I needed to eat more eggs. I hated her after that and wanted to hit her too.

Now I know what the smell is in Andrews house. It’s eggs. He must eat a lot of eggs that’s why he has fat legs.

When I grow up I will hit Andrew and fat people and teachers

Tuffin 15

Jill has a new dog. It’s called Fred which is the same name that she gave to the Guinea pig. It’s a German sausage dog which means it’s very very low down. It doesn’t seem to mind if Jill puts clothes on it or even paints its paws blue as if it was wearing slippers. Jill likes to dress me up sometimes. I won’t let her paint me as that would make a mess and would probably make my bath a funny colour and mum would think I was ill or had a secret. I keep it secret that Jill dresses me up even from Andrew even though I think he would like to join in or look. We do it in the scruffy bit at the side of the house where Dad keep bricks and bags of mud. She brings a bag of dressing up clothes, not all boys stuff either, and makes me stand on the bricks like a statue while she arranges everything. I get quite bored but I do it for her because in the end she is nice and doing things for her makes me feel grown up, besides in Sunday School we were told that Jesus did things for other people like feed them fish and make them better so wearing a girls dress is not hard work and might mean I go to heaven. In heaven the angels wear dresses not trousers so I might fit in well.

When I grow up I want to go to heaven and fit in well.

Tuffin 16

At the bottom of the road is a railway station. I am allowed to go there to do train spotting. I have an Observers Book of trains with all the trains in England and lots and lots of lists that tell you things like how many wheels they’ve got. I go there on my own because neither Jill or Andrew are interested in trains and going on my own is more grown up. There aren’t that many trains going to our station and most of them are the same type but I did once see a steam train but it wasn’t in the book so it must not be English. When I am waiting for the trains, I watch the people on the platforms. Once I saw a lady be sick into her hand, some of it splashed on the floor next to her. I was almost sick watching and everyone near her moved away but she seemed alright and went back inside the station I suppose because she was afraid people would laugh or to wash the sick off her hand or maybe she just went home and went to bed. I would have done that if I had been sick. Another time a blind man was at the station. He had a white stick but no dog. I thought he might walk off the platform and get killed but he stood very still well back from the edge and waited for his train and a man talked to him just like he was normal. I wondered if his dog was dead like March or had run away. I can’t be fun for a dog to look after a blind man all day long because the dog has to always be on a lead and the blind man can’t throw sticks or run fast without falling over.

When I grow up I don’t want to be blind

Tuffin 17

After watching real trains I like to get out my train set. I only have one train and two carriages and the track is a circle. It needs two batteries to work and they are expensive and Dad says I need to reserve power and I have to be careful to remember to disconnect everything when I finish playing. I don’t understand why Andrew likes the train set but doesn’t like real trains but he always wants to play with it even on days when I haven’t been at the station first, which is stupid. I am beginning to think that his behaviour means he isn’t the right person to go at the top of my list after all. Jill can’t go there as she is a girl so that is a problem. Sometimes I let Andrew drive the train. He likes to make it go as fast as it can which means it comes off the track. I tell him that he needs to be more careful and make it like the speed of the train real even though it’s tiny compared to the real thing. Because he doesn’t go to the station like me he doesn’t understand this and he keeps making the train crash. In the end I tell him the battery is going to run out and that we have to stop. He doesn’t seem to mind but I feel quite annoyed and hope he moves to Essex soon and someone new and better moves into his house that I can put at the top of my list. Afterwards we go outside and plays trains by walking along the garden wall making train noises. As we are doing it the ten to six from Holborn Viaduct arrives and all the people walk up the road past us on their way home. One of them is the lady who was sick, so I do a really fast train along the wall to get away from her.

When I grow up I want another carriage.

Tuffin 18

I tell mum about the sick lady and she says that most likely she is going to have a baby because that makes you sick. I don’ t understand because I thought having a baby made you happy. If it makes you sick why bother.

Next morning I watch out the window until I see the lady walking down to the station again to catch the two minutes past eight stopping service to Blackfriars. I do this watching most mornings while Mother tidies up after Dad has gone to work. He catches the ten to eight which is the fast train. The number 83. I notice she has a fat tummy that sticks out of her coat and mum says her name is Rosalind and something about her skirt being too short. If there is a baby inside it must be being jiggled about because she is rushing. I think mum is wrong because there is no way a baby could get out of there without making a terrible mess so more likely her big belly is what makes her sick. I get that after too much strawberry pink ice cream especially if it’s a hot day. I wonder if all babies come through worm holes like me and if they do what has that got to do with bellies and being sick. If Rosalind has a worm hole in her belly that would make her sick for sure because of all the gravity swirling round. Also people would be swirling around her getting sucked into her belly and appearing in the future or the past rather than catching the train and going to work.

When I grow up I don’t ever want to be sick again so I will never eat strawberry pink ice cream on hot days.

Tuffin 19

Andrew and I have a new game called hanging teddies. We both have teddies but because we are old now we don’t need them. Mine was given to me by my mean Nan, who my mum hates. She is not mean to me but she is mean to the family.  It has short fur and when you turn it upside it growls but it sounds like a cow. Andrew’s has long fur and is quite small and worn out. It doesn’t growl or anything. We attach string round their necks and dangle them out of my window. Because of the porch we can’t swing them very far without them bashing into the walls but we can balance them on the porch roof so it looks like they are going to do suicide  like the lady up the road did only she set herself on fire. The people walking up the road from the station saw us and smiled which is strange because I don’t think its funny. Andrew’s bear was weak and it head and body tore apart like it had had its throat cut. Andrew said the bear belonged to his mother and her mother so she would be cross. I knew about sewing from Mrs Friends class so I showed Andrew how to stitch the head back onto the body just like the boy at school had stitches on his thigh after he fell on some railings. I wanted to do the hanging teddies game again but Andrew said he was going home. Andrew is very weak like his Teddy.

When I grow up I want stitches.

Tuffin 20

Next to the station and to get to the wood is a narrow road. We are allowed to go down the road all the way to the donkey but no further as then you get to the shooting range where the army try out machine guns and bombs. I really want to go there but Dad says that even though it was in the war there still might be bombs lying about. I once heard a few bangs coming from there but no one was blown up or shot so I think it’s safe as long as you are careful and sensible. On the way to the donkey the road is so narrow that if a car comes you have to climb onto the bank to let it pass. The bank is full of snails and Jill is afraid of snails. They are really big ones the size of the crowns I have in my coin collection that the lady next door gave me before she died in bed. I sent her a thankyou letter but she must have been dead already because when dad went to make sure the house was ok it was still on the mat. On the way to the donkey we once found a mole in the middle of the road. I picked it up but it bit me so I dropped it. I pretended it didn’t hurt but it did and it bled a bit so I kept my hand in my pocket. After that we kicked it with our feet over to the bank to stop it getting run over but it didn’t move again so we left it alone. I think I killed it when I kicked it. The donkey is very muddy but we take carrots for it so it comes to the gate and puts its head over when it sees us coming. Everyone is afraid of it biting them except me. I like animals and they know that. Except moles perhaps but I think they are blind like the man at the station. The donkey has a really fat belly like Rosalind and thin legs like me. It’s not having a baby though as it has a big willy like Brian has when he is in the woods.

(There are lots of pattens in that bit – I must make a list later)

PS -The donkey’s best bit is it’s ears that are big, not sticky out like mine but sticky up. I wonder what donkeys hear like. If wonder if they can hear other donkeys making noises a long way off like submarines can. After all this one is all on its own and is probably lonely even with us there so it might like to hear another donkey even if it can’t see it.

When I grow up I want to explore the shooting range and find a bomb or bullets and I want my ears to be less sticky out.

Tuffin 21

Across the road from our house is a white house. Someone has covered the bricks up in stuff and then painted it white. I don’t like this as I prefer to see the bricks all the way up to the roof. Our house has bricks at the bottom and then tiles. This is also bad but paint is worse. The main thing with paint is you have to keep painting it again when it’s dirty or flaky so the house is always fading away and I prefer strong things that stay the same. The people that lived in the White House  didn’t have any children so some new people have moved in with children and the old ones  have gone away to live in a bungalow by the seaside and then die or that’s what mum says. She seemed to think this was quite sad and I agree because surely it would be a lot less trouble to die in the White House and not have to move your things and have all that curfuffle. The lady and the man next door died and they didn’t move and now there are two new old people next door who look like they will do the same thing soon. The new people across the roads children are both girls which means all the children in the houses near me are girls. This is a blow because although he was weak Andrew was stronger than Jill and could almost jump from six stairs up. The two girls are twins but you wouldn’t know because they are not at all alike. I am suspicious that they are adopted. I have heard that adopted children are very deceitful because being adopted has to kept secret. Mum says that I must not ask them and I must not think that but then she was still sad about the people dying in a bungalow so she was feeling a bit sensitive and short.

When I grow up I won’t die or move to a bungalow by the seaside

Tuffin 22

They are not adopted I asked. They didn’t mind in fact they thought it was fun to pretend they were. They said that their real parents were German and had been captured and put in prison so  their new parents rescued them and brought them here but their old parents were planning to escape  from prison and take them back to Germany to live in a castle which had caves and a lake that you were allowed to play in. I told them about the black swimming pool and they said they would like to see it and that one day I could visit them in Germany to see the lake and swim in it.  They are called Jean and Judith. I said it was a good idea to have the same first letter for their first name because then their initial would be the same so when they want to be more like twins that would help. They told me that there middle names did not have the same initial but they would not tell me what they were because they were German names so they were secret and hard to spell.  I think J and J might go higher up my list than Jill as Jill doesn’t speak German and they can. All my girl friends have a name beginning with J. That makes me think that J is a girlish letter but then John is a very popular boys name and I have a friend at school called Jonathan. Oh yes I go to school now.

When I grow up I want to change my name to Josh and learn German

Tuffin 23

Our village has a famous river. It is famous because it is shallow so you can walk in it with wellingtons without getting wet socks at all and it has a track through it that lorries can drive through if they are too big for the bridge. So it isn’t really a river it is more of a road with a river running on top. Common people’s cars from Dartford or East Hill don’t use the bridge instead they break the rules and show off by going through the river very fast and making a big wave that fills your wellingtons and probably kills lots of fish. My dad always hopes they get stuck and water gets in the engine and ruins it. At weekends lots of common people’s children come to shout and splash in the river with just their pants on and throw stones and water at each other and at us. I hate them because they don’t know the rules. Luckily they have me to teach them. The bridge is only wide enough for one car small at a time. It is so narrow that it has places to hide at the top so that people don’t get squashed by the cars. I like to stand on guard stopping the small children from getting in hoping they will get killed. That way they will learn the rules like we have to at school. Rules for waiting or eating and playing and drinking from the water fountain and running and going to the toilet without wetting the walls or getting gravel in your knees or spilling ink and getting hit for not folding your arms, and writing in the lines and colouring in the lines and standing in lines with nowhere to hide to avoid being killed.

When I grow up, I won’t have to go to school, and I won’t have to hide.

The Lad (in 10 miniature scenes)

THIS PIECE IS A COMPLEMENT TO BECKETT’S PLAY ‘KRAPPS LAST TAPE’ IN SO FAR AS IT FEATURES A BANANA.

IT CAN BE PERFORMED LIVE ANYWHERE IN WHICH CASE ALL THE PROP CHANGES AND BUSINESS BETWEEN THE TEN MINIATURES COULD, PROBABLY WOULD, BE SEEN BY THE AUDIENCE AND TREATED LIKE PART OF THE PERFORMANCE.

THE SCENE IS ANYWHERE. THE TIME IS TODAY

…BUT ANYWHERE HAS BEEN ADAPTED FOR AN OLD MAN WHO IS SAT IN AN ARMCHAIR LISTENING TO AN OLD RADIO WEARING A BIB. NEXT TO HIS CHAIR, ON ONE SIDE IS AN OCCASIONAL TABLE WITH A FRUIT BOWL CONTAINING LOTS OF BANANAS AND THE RADIO. NEXT TO THAT IS A WASTE BIN. ALSO IN THE SCENE IS A YOUNG MAN PLAYING A CLASSICAL GUITAR SOMETIMES FOLLOWING THE OLD MANS ACTIONS PRECISELY, SOMETIMES NOT. (MAYBE HE IS THE OLD MAN’S YOUNGER SELF OR MAYBE JUST AN ENTERTAINER.) ON THE MAN’S KNEE IS ‘THE LAD’ A VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY IN A PURPLE SHINY SHOW SUIT. THEY APPEAR TO BE LISTENING TO THE RADIO TOGETHER BUT IT BECOMES APPARENT FROM THE UNATURAL WAY THEY INTERACT DURING THE PERFORMANCE THAT THE OLD MAN IS NOT A SKILLED VENTRILOQUIST. FROM TIME TO TIME THE LAD WILL SING ALONG TO THE RADIO (SEE LYRICS ON PAGE 3). ALL THE ACTION IS VERY VERY SLOW AS BEFITS THE OLD MAN AND MUCH IS FOCUSED ON HIS FREE HAND NOT THE LAD. THE MAN IS AS SKILLED WITH HIS FREE HAND AS HE IS UNSKILLED WITH THE LAD, SUCH THAT IT SEEMS TO SPEAK AND AT TIMES PARALLELS THE MUSIC AS IF IT WERE SINGING ALONG TOO. THE NAILS ON HIS FREE HAND ARE LONG LIKE THOSE OF A GUIARIST.

(INEVITABLY MISTAKES OCCUR DUE TO THE INTRICACY OF THE ACTIVITIES THE MAN IS REQUIRED TO PERFORM. THESE ARE AS IMPORTANT AS THE SUCCESSFUL ACTS OF MANUAL DEXTERITY AND SHOULD NEITHER BE EDITED OUT NOT ‘STAGED.’)

THE CORE RADIO SOUND IS POOR QUALITY AND CONSIST OF SAMPLES DERIVED FROM 1970‘S POP AND POP/CLASSICAL MUSIC HOWEVER THESE CAN BE TRANSFORMED APPROPRIATELY AND DISTRIBUTED THROUGH A HIGH QUALITY SOUND SYSTEM OR OPTIMISED IN POST PRODUCTION. THE RADIO MUSIC MAY FLOW ACROSS SCENES OR BE INTERUPTED. THERE SHOULD NOT BE A SENSE THAT EACH MINATURE HAS A RADIO THEME. THE GUITAR MUSIC IS SYNCHRONISED WITH THE RADIO SOUND AND MAY BLEND WITH IT AT TIMES. IT HAS A TRANQUILITY THAT ESTABLISHES THE SLOW REPETITIVE GENTLE RHYTHM OF THE PIECE.THE MEANING OF THE WORDS DOESN’T MATTER THEY COULD BE ANY OLD MANS SEMI LUCID ’KRAPP’ BUT THE WORDS SELECTED FOR THE SCRIPT MUST BE ADHERED TO PRECISELY AS IF DELIVERED BY A MACHINE WITH NO OPPORTUNITIES FOR IMPROVISATION. THE ‘DRAMA’ IF ANY IS IN THE MUSIC, SILENCES AND THE NON-SPEECH VOCALISATIONS. ALL PAUSES APPLY TO ALL THE SOUND SOURCES SO THAT THE FLOW IS CONTINUALLY INTERUPTED. THE LAD HAS A CHILD’S VOICE (FALSETTO) MOST OF THE TIME, AS IS TRADITIONAL.

SUGGESTED RADIO MUSIC – IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

Only fragments may be used or more extended samples – the extracts may be significantly modified and processed to be barely recognisable.

RADIO MUSIC: ROGER WHITTAKER https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzKQfrNseoI

RADIO MUSIC: I’D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWKznrEjJK4

RADIO MUSIC: SATIE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WfaotSK3mI

RADIO MUSIC: RODRIGO
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knZyzhMNeP0
 

RADIO MUSIC: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXQUu5Dti4g

RADIO MUSIC: ANNIES SONG
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNOTF-znQyw

RADIO MUSIC: WHERE DID YOU GO TO MY LOVELY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8XQZYIiNgo

RADIO MUSIC: STARRY STARRY NIGHT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wrNFDxCRzU

RADIO MUSIC: CAT STEVENS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGNxKnLmOH4&list=PL262337A5F58BD941

RADIO MUSIC: CAVATINA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7SvBtJuh3Y

The following lyrics can be sung by the Lad whenever appropriate. They may or may not marry to the original songs from which they are derived

Your head is humming and it won’t go, in case you don’t know
The piper’s calling you to join him
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind?

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again

Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

I know where you go to, my lovely
When you’re alone in your bed
I know the thoughts that surround you
‘Cause I can look inside your head

That’s a song I hear
Sing it along
Let the world sing today
Over and over

        minIature 1

The man is eating a banana sandwich. (He rests between each bite)

(Pause)

THE MAN

Want some?

THE LAD

Only if you take off the crusts.

(Pause)

The man takes off the crusts with one hand and his fingernails showing significant virtuosity that is reflected in the music. He feeds the lad clumsily. Bits fall out of the dummies mouth.

THE LAD

(Choking a little)

Watch it, you’re wasting it!

        MINIATURE 2

The Man is holding a banana. He peals it methodically and very very slowly using only one hand. It’s another virtuoso performance.

The Lad watches him apprehensively at first and then tries whistling to calm his nerves. The music accompanied by the guitar sounds a bit like Roger Whittaker

THE MAN

Want some?

THE LAD

You first.

(gulp)

        MINIATURE 3

The Man is pretending to be asleep. The Lad is ‘awake.’ The guitarist plays. The Lad ‘dances’ and sings along with the music.

(Counting to the music)

(Breaths)

        MINIATURE 4

The Man holds the banana as he did at the end of Miniature 2. It’s as though the recording has slipped backwards

THE MAN

Want some?

(Very long pause)

THE LAD

No you are all right!

The man eats the banana in small bites as he does so the lad tries to speak and some words are audible between mouthfuls but the rest of the time the words are completely garbled. The words that are heard are –

THE LAD

…conscious of something

…but the Dartford Crossing was jam packed

…true friendship can

…a bungalow

…your carriage it’s waiting

…fried not baked

…pull up, knock up, rock up, wake up

…feeling like shit

…nobody makes a better flapjack.

        MINIATURE 5

The man holds the banana skin. It hangs limply.

THE LAD

Want some?

THE MAN

Maybe later. You?

THE LAD

(Pause)

It’s empty.

THE MAN

Good though.

        MINIATURE 6

The man holds up a bunch of five bananas

THE LAD

Now that’s more like it.

THE MAN

It’s a feast!

(Slurp)

THE LAD

Enough for everyone.

THE MAN

A bunch…

THE LAD

…a bunch of five

The man pulls his hand out of the dummy and shows his fist to the radio. The Lad now unsupported collapses with laughter.

(Laughter)

        MINIATURE 7

The man is controlling the Lad again. He holds up his other fist.

THE MAN

Nobody does it better

THE LAD

You can say that again.

THE MAN

(Like a nursery rhyme)

Five bananas will make Wilma fat. We don’t want that.

(repeat ad infinitum)

THE LAD

Who is Wilma?

THE MAN

(Pretending to mishear)

Who is Sylvia?

Mad cows!

THE LAD

(In the mans voice – for real like an aside)

Sylvia is here now. We all are, the whole street. No 9 us, No 11 Wilma, No 12 Sylvia. Nobody does it better. She does it, everyday, like clockwork. Up the stairs the window, her tower, waiting all day, nothing doing, nobody, poor cow. Why should they.

(In the Lads voice)

Nobody does it better. The flapjacks. Now that’s something to write home about.

        MINIATURE 8

The lad lies spread over the Mans lap enabling to him to prop a bowl of bananas and custard on his back. (It may look sexual who cares but it’s not the intention.)

THE MAN

Bananas, custard…

He reaches behind his bib and pulls out a paper bag with the remainder of a piece of flapjack in it.

THE MAN

And flapjack.

He breaks the flapjack into the bowl and eats the contents.

        MINIATURE 9

The man holds the empty bowl and presents it to the front so we can see the contents. Its inside is painted like the moon.

THE LAD

A bungalow would be ideal then she couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t climb the stairs.

(Crying in a cod way)

THE MAN

Her head is in the shed.

(Laugh.)

THE LAD

Her head is in the shed.

(Laugh.)

THE MAN

Shall we dance fa la la.

(Breaths and breathless)

(Giggling)

        MINIATURE 10

THE MAN

Easy go.

(Sighs)

THE LAD

Easy come.

The man produces another banana. The Lad stares at it.

THE LAD

(Sighs)

The Man freezes for as long as he can holding the banana aloft while the guitar music plays. Once he can no longer keep the banana still, the performance/film is over.

THE END