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When the lady at Number 25 set herself on fire I knew this was an important connection and that I needed to work it out.
Every morning before school I look out of my window and watch the men with umbrellas and hats and coats and briefcases and newspapers walk down the hill to catch the trains to London. Then in the evening I watch them walk back up the hill without newspapers.
I know the numbers of all the houses between our house and the station and the names of the people that live in them. Number 10, Mr and Mrs Blackburn; Number 9, Me; Number 8, Mr and Mrs Proud; Number 7, Mr and Mrs Jefferson; Number 6, Mr and Mrs Jones; Number 5, Mr and Mrs Hillier; Number 4, Mr and Mrs Littley; Number 3, Mr and Mrs Steggle; Number 2, Mr and Mrs Friend; and Number 1, Mr and Mrs Mouncey.
Mr and Mrs Mouncey live at the corner and don’t own their own telephone. Like us they have to use the telephone box at the station even though it smells. Mr and Mrs Mouncey also own a Chow Chow which is a type of dog that doesn’t like other dogs and has a black tongue. We have a dog that doesn’t like dogs and has mad days. I think these things are connected in the same way as the telephone at the station is connected to Nan or to Aunty Barbara or anyone you want, and the trains at the station are connected to the electricity the same way as my railway set is connected to a battery to make the trains go just like the real trains that go to Bromley South or Catford or Holborn Viaduct or any of the stations in between.
I know that everything is connected even if most people do not know how. It is just a matter of working it out.
The bells from the fire engine woke me up. I couldn’t see anything from my window but I could hear a lot of noise. Mum came in my room and said it was nothing but she was lying. I stayed awake for a bit listening then I fell asleep but I didn’t dream any of this.
In the morning Mum and me walked the dog. Our dog had to be kept on a lead all the time because it was a mad day. On the way back there was a police car outside Number 25. Mum said she didn’t know what had happened and didn’t ask. Probably she didn’t need to ask because she was already connected.
We went down to the phone box to ring Auntie Barbara. I normally go in the box with Mum and look at the directories but today she told me to wait outside and watch the trains. I didn’t mind that but I knew that Mum wasn’t letting me in so I couldn’t hear what she said but I can lip read. I learnt it from a book but I keep it a secret because if people knew they might stop saying any secrets in case I learn them and give them to Russia. Mum told Auntie Barbara that the lady didn’t live with a husband but with her daughter. I thought she was trying to work out the connection and if there is another person it makes it easier. The more people and things you have the more connections you can make and the easier it is to work it out. Mum told Auntie Barbara that Rosalind’s mum had killed herself by covering herself in petrol in the toilet and setting herself on fire with a cigarette lighter. I thought the toilet must have been one like our number two toilet that’s outside the back door in the garden and that’s why the whole house didn’t burn down. Or the fire went out from all the water in the toilet.
The burnt lady’s daughter was called Rosalind and I had seen her go down the street to catch the same train as Dad every day. As she’s the only girl she stands out and because she wears a dress. The rest are men who wear hats and carry umbrellas like Dad. Mum says that Rosalind wears dresses to show off to the men. She hadn’t walked down the hill that day probably because her mother was dead. Rosalind got fat with a baby inside her but I wasn’t told this because it’s quite rude but I worked it out. You see when you are in love you wee together and that makes a baby so Rosalind is in love and I think the man who weed with her is one of the ones with the hat and umbrella and that’s a connection.
Mum and I went to the telephone box again. This time a long goods train went through the station so Mum couldn’t hear Auntie Barbara very well and ended up shouting so I didn’t need to lip read. She shouted some terrible words like fuck and bastard that only people from East Hill say but I know what they mean. It was funny to hear Mum shout and I couldn’t wait to tell Keith. Once the goods train had gone through I had to lip read because Mum was whispering again. Rosalind’s mum’s name was Mrs Whitehouse. I should have known that because her house is painted white. Her funeral was on Thursday and she would be buried in a grave in the churchyard next to my school so I could go and see her on the way home. It was all working out very well because there were so many connections.
On the day of Mrs Whitehouse’s funeral I was at home from school with a bad stomach ache that was really a lie because I wanted to see what would happen. Mum and I took the dog for a walk after everyone else had finished walking their dogs so ours wouldn’t go mad and could be let off the lead. When we got to the white house there were lots of cars parked and a crowd of people were on the street. The front door to the white house was open and our dog went inside. Mum didn’t know what to do but I went after him and because I am little I got in without anyone noticing. Inside I saw the body of Mrs Whitehouse all black and burned lying in her coffin. That’s what happens when you catch fire so I wasn’t frightened. The dog had leapt up at the coffin but someone had grabbed him by the collar and was chocking him. I hit the man as hard as I could and dragged the dog back outside to Mum who said how brave I was and that I could have some Shreddies with cream on when we got home. I had a big bowl and now I really had a stomach ache so that’s another connection.
On the way home from school I called in at the graveyard to see Mrs Whitehouse. Her spot was different to all the others because all that was there was a pile of earth covered in pretend grass and a wooden cross with her name Mary Whitehouse and flowers. I had brought some wire and batteries and a switch with me, the same ones I use for my train set, because I thought there would be some problems connecting without electricity. I attached the wire to either side of the cross because that would give me a good connection. I switched it on and waited for Mrs Whitehouse to appear. It took a while but then up she came. She wasn’t black and burnt anymore but she didn’t have any clothes on at all which was a bit awkward. She didn’t seem to mind so I pretended not to mind either. ‘Hello Mrs Whitehouse,’ I said. ‘I am Tuffin and I live at Number 9 you probably know my Mum and our dog I am sorry he jumped up at you.’
‘Oh that’s all right Tuffin. He didn’t mean any harm. How can I help you today?’ ‘I was wondering,’ I said, ‘if you could help me with a connection question.’
‘Of course I can,’ she said. ‘Please proceed.’
‘You see the phone can connect you with anyone and the trains go anywhere our dog is mad just like Mr and Mrs Mouncey’s Chow Chow and we both have to use the phone box at the station I didn’t dream any of this and next day the police were at your house and Rosalind missed the train that my Dad takes every day and one of the men with the umbrellas loves Rosalind and their baby will be born soon and why did you set yourself on fire Mrs Whitehouse?’
Then Mrs Whitehouse lied.
‘You see Tuffin, you know how cold the toilet can be, especially at night? Well, I was trying to fill my paraffin heater up and I made a mess and it all spilled on me even all over my hair so I was very angry and while I was calming down I thought I would have a cigarette and boom I had fire all over me.’
‘So it was nothing to do with Rosalind. Everyone thinks that’s the connection,’ I said.
‘Oh no,’ she said. ‘I am so happy that Rosalind is having a baby with one of the men with the umbrellas because then she can stay at home with me and we can both look after the baby while the man with the umbrella goes to work every day like your dad.’
I thanked Mrs Whitehouse very much for taking the time to talk to me and she went back down. On my way home I met Keith coming out of his house with his train book so I told him what had happened and he asked me how I knew she was lying. I said I knew she was lying because Mum said she was covered in petrol and everyone knows you don’t put petrol in a paraffin lamp. Keith said that was true but maybe she did it by mistake. I said that he was wrong and that Mrs Whitehouse was sad because Rosalind would have a bastard after being fucked by one of the men with umbrellas. Keith told me how he had read all of his Observer’s Book of Railway Locomotives of Britain last night and now he was going to try to spot all of them and tick them off in his book. So we set off down the hill past Mrs Whitehouse’s until we got to my house and then we started a count down. ’10, Mr and Mrs Blackburn’s; 9, Me; 8, Mr and Mrs Proud’s; 7, Mr and Mrs Jefferson’s; 6, Mr and Mrs Jones’s; 5, Mr and Mrs Hillier’s; 4, Mr and Mrs Littley’s; 3, Mr and Mrs Steggle’s; 2, Mr and Mrs Friend’s; 1, Mr and Mrs Mouncey’s – LIFT OFF,’ we shouted. The Chow Chow barked so we could see his black tongue. We passed the telephone box where my mum shouted fuck and we both shouted ‘fuck’ and laughed then we went past the ticket office then out the door onto the platform then we walked to the very end just as the Number 83 from Holborn Viaduct pulled in then the men with umbrellas and hats and coats and without newspapers stepped off the train and set off up the hill. Then Keith ticked.
October 22, 2024