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V – Vent/Mike/mic. Vent is the stage voice of the ventriloquist, Mike is the real voice of the ventriloquist, and mic is the mediatised voice of the ventriloquist. All three or just one may be used.
P – Pat. The voice of the puppet, intended to be male/female/hybrid, one or any of these. B – Both or either
Free to repeat anything in the text as required or to change voice from that specified.
I
Entering though the audience
An opener in which Pat asserts herself
V: Pat my pet
P: Pat
V: Pat
B: Stroke him/her like a stray dog
B: With respect, keep your hands to yourself V: Ho no pet for petting
P: Pat in part as in postman, ho no P: Pat as in Particle Accelera Tor V: Pat my pet
P: Pat
V: Pat
B: Not to be underestimated
II
Onstage
A bawdy song about being made of water/dust
V: Lie my PAT and I do B: For you
P: It’s true you know
P: Under these bloomers it’s all wood
(refrain)
B: Hard wood – ha ho ho Stiff and thick – ho ha ho Like him/her – ho ho ha
V: Atomic parcels wrapped up tight
V: Keeps the wood/water in right
P: He’s dripping now, dropping dust/drips P: Brush/wash it away fast/quick
B: Case they see it and are disappointed.
III
Pat and Mike both want to fight aliens and fly like heroes
P: My chest is too tin for tits
P: My crick neck fix needs pliers P: My feet are pegged on sticks P: Unlike the gravity flyers
P: In the film The Matrix
P: A soap sud special bubble P: Me and him/her in trouble P: Up against the worst bits P: Of those alien trouble
P: Dr Who and the Daleks
IV
A love song for Pat, Vent, Mike, and mic
V: Me, my mic and Pat
B: Croon away swoon away hey V: Moon by magic and that
B: Croon away gone away stay
P: Why my my Mikey cry my Mikey my my B: Croon away tune away play
P: Swoon song sing say our sing song B: Croon away song away pray
B: That day my Mikey my Pat met may…
V
A song of existential outrage
B: Seeing as we’re here and now B: Seeing as we’re here and now B: Past fancies fly by by
B: Past fancies fly by by
B: So by by fly past fancies faster than that and this
V: So fly by fly past fancies faster than that and this and nowt
V: Bit by bit by that
V: Bit by – nowt to see here and now Mr V: Move along flipping fast
V: Flipper fast, bullet train fast, rayfish fast V: Till a dam big bang bang bang
V: Dam big
V: Dam big
P: Bang
VI
A stumbling rallying cry to other Vents and their friends. Audience to join in with chorus. Voice assignment as the performer fancies
To high fi and beyond the fidelity We raise and throw our gobs
Ha la blah la ti do tight lips
Lift your voice and trust to mimicry Lob back and we will two
Ha la blah la ti do tight lips
Look at his/her eyes and say Billericay To stuff and nowt we cheer
Ha la blah la ti do tight lips
Spin our heads and make like The Omen, Tricky
…
All throaty, sicky, gaggy Ha la blah la ti do
tight lips tight lips tongue tied tongue tied
VII
Leaving
V: As we say
P: As we say
V: Pat my pet
P: My Mike
V: Brush away
P: Rush away
B: By…
VIII
Encore
Vent and Pat indulge in some water pistol sports
V: My funny valentine V: Eglantine I should say
V: Your flower filled fancy face is no posy
V: Composty and mossy I can do nowt but water it V: With my can
P: My phantasm waking dream P: Butterbean I should say
P: Your. (tight-lipped) M, m, M P: M bloated with
P: Got ya!
January 22, 2015